If I can be frank…

Sometimes, I strongly dislike being a wife and a mother.

Maybe I even despise it.

Despise:  to regard as negligible, worthless, or distasteful; feel contempt or a deep repugnance for

It takes SO much out of me. Energy. Time. Focus. Money. Resources. Sleep. Like… I was doing GREAT physically before having 3 kids! I had more hair, clearer skin, less weight, less stress. I could go and do (almost) anything when I was single. No worries about “who can I trust with my kids?” I was at parties. Out of town with friends. Events. But as a wife and mother, UGHGHGHGH. It’s like my LIFE revolves around people who apparently need me more than I’d like them to. Who take up time in my schedule where other things could fit. Who have clinched on to this place in my heart that makes me do what I don’t feel like doing but know I must.

Take last week for instance…

I’m homeschooling the boys as usual when it hits me: grades have to be mailed a WEEK earlier than planned because of this holiday time period. We’re NOWHERE near the end of the unit. Let’s just say the boys haven’t been too thrilled about my teaching this week.

Talking toddler… during a good, evening church service. I don’t know what it is, but after 6pm, our little one wants to know how versatile his voice is. Thankful for the sideways glances and turned heads to cue my time to leave. Otherwise, I’d tune it out like I (sometimes?) do at home. Darn you verbal exploration phase.

Supporting my husband’s gift… even when I REALLY didn’t feel like running the errands he DIDN’T ask me to run but I did so his mind could be at ease while mine began to build a migraine. Love makes you do… just do.

Doctor’s appointments… where 2 of the 3 are scheduled to get flu shots. By the same nurse. In the same room. So imagine one seeing me pin their brother down while scrying (screaming/crying) during the shot only to hear me then say, “Okay. Your turn.” The best/worst idea a parent of multiples has to make sometimes. Because we don’t have time for multiple appointments.

Dinner… which now means preparing/cooking meals for 3 different dietary needs. OH. MY. GOSH. Lord PLEASE don’t let our dishwasher break.

These are just a few of the moments that highlighted my life, one that really kind of rocked me and had me paralyzed in prayer Friday morning. So it was no wonder that by Friday night… I was done. Restless and in pain from a migraine I felt like God was not answering my prayer to heal nor was medication using its elements to remove. Saturday was a blur. And I still had to prepare to teach kids AND adults Sunday.

God… this would’ve been SO much easier if I wasn’t a wife or a mother.

Or would it?

I don’t believe there is one spouse or parent who can say they were prepared to deal with the LIFE of carrying these roles. Some were trained well to be spouses. Some were trained well to be parents. Some were trained well to be both. And some… were just never trained. Whatever the background, I believe we’ve missed it all together. What if the real training was within the role itself?

What if in me homeschooling the boys, God is training me to be more disciplined with my time, patient, creative and consistent?

What if in having to step out of services, God is training me to fight and maintain my time with Him at home throughout the week?

What if in me self-sacrificing in supporting my husband’s gifts, God is helping me attain humility and grow in service and love towards him… and Him?

What if in dealing with the physically-tiring reality of managing 3 kids, God wants me to have AND show more compassion for those with more kids than me? And be more physically fit? (That’s ringing loudest honestly)

What if in having to prepare and really consider the dietary differences in our family, God is pushing me to steward our temples better while PRAYING AND FASTING for all to be healed and whole?

What if in the very things about our roles as wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, SINGLES, etc. that we HATE or DESPISE, God is pushing us to remember who we are firstHis daughter. His son. What if in these despised roles He is giving us opportunities to grow in ways that bring us closer to Him? What if we have it all wrong and these moments are not negatives but images from which a beautiful portrait of God is produced in our lives for others to be drawn to Him?

I had a rough week. It was unpleasant. It was uncomfortable. It made me complain. I felt annoyed. I became ill. Literally. I felt so many regrettable emotions. Then, at the point where I felt so weak, I studied the Word of God and realized… life happens. We don’t always feel good about where we are. But God knows that and is sovereign. And thankfully, believers are not (supposed to be) moved by HOW WE FEEL. Even still, God promises His own children that ALL things work together for our good who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). It’s ALL going to be O.KAY.

It’s not so much about how we feel in the roles we play as much as it’s about the opportunities we have to grow & become more like the One who called us into those roles.

So… be careful. What you despise may be the very thing that keeps you closest to God.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

 

4 thoughts on “If I can be frank…

  1. This was awesome! It actually gave me confirmation on some issues God has been dealing with me on. Thank you!

  2. This blog sounds similar to my past month but totally different circumstances. As I screamed in physical pain yesterday , ready to give up. The Lord had someone send me a video about Joey and Rory Feek and my entire perception and perspective shifted. Suddenly I had nothing to complain about.
    I was encouraged by them because in the midst of their dire situation, they were humble and grateful.
    Their baby has Down Syndrome and she is such a joyful blessing to them and others.
    I have come to conclusion that we might just get a natural high by complicating stuff, when all we have to do is live the journey of life THROUGH JESUS…….selah.

  3. I am so glad you are walking in your calling. Your writings are always so eloquent and timely. As I read your articles, they always leave me with a sense of truth. Truth bring shared, truth being expressed, and truth being felt. You leave your readers feeling they are not alone physically and not alone spiritually. And that they are OKAY! 🙂

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