Have you ever had so much on your heart and mind that you stop moving? Then you realize you haven’t moved in like 15 minutes but your thoughts have at a speed of 70mph?
Welcome to my world 🙂
I mean… ALOT has happened in 2 weeks. One being the drama of the “stomach virus” in our household that I think I’m still recovering from. There’s something about seeing bodily fluids from not just 1 little (and uncontrollable) body but all three little bodies – PLUS your husband’s – that traumatizes your sense of taste and smell forever. From the hallway to the van. This is why spaghetti and every other meal we had that week has not and will not be on our menu for awhile. Like… months.
Then there was the scare of me having had an unexpected miscarriage. Talk about emotional. I found my thoughts like waves: “How could I not know?” “How could I have been pregnant on birth control AGAIN?” (I’m 2 for 3 on this happening in my life) “Was something wrong with the baby?” “Is something wrong with my womb?” “What did I do wrong?” “This is my fault!” “How do I understand this?” All of those thoughts erupted through sobs then silence. I didn’t even want to think about the D & C part. I am grateful for my mom (who came over as mommy then certified counselor lol), Tiffany and Stephanie who listened, gave wise counsel then prayed with me. Find people like that in your life! SO imagine my joy (and yes, I did feel awkward in being joyful) when I found out I wasn’t pregnant and therefore did not have a miscarriage. In a weird sense, I was grateful because as much as I (maybe?) want another child, I’ve already asked God it be adoption later on down the road.I honestly can’t imagine a 4th child in our lives right now. So, kudos to the mamas who are holding it down with 4+ because you have ALOT of respect from me. And empathy 🙂
Other things, without sharing details here, have occurred and I feel like I’m at the place of needing to go away for complete serenity. I’ve shared a minimal things with my husband because it’s really just been me and God. I need Him and His voice now more than anyone else’s voice. Last night, I even felt my husband lay his hand on my head and whisper prayers over me around 4am. My physical body? Stressed which I feel is a reflection of my mind. But I still speak the word over my mind and just focus on other people. It makes it easier at times because I don’t have to THINK about anything related to me. I know… unhealthy… but honest.
I’ve been in this place with God that is so very unfamiliar and agitating for about 4 months. My heart has been processed over and over again, turned upside down and my thoughts sifted through and analyzed like sand at a beach hiding beautiful shells. I just haven’t found my shells yet. Yet, in the midst of all of this, God’s grace, mercy and amazing blessings have come over me. Things I mentioned a few times in my heart to God have been answered. Things that have had to be delayed due to circumstances have come around. God’s provided for unexpected needs financially. And just a look at my husband and boys fills me with gratitude. They’re alive. Healthy. Know Jesus. My husband probably thinks I’m weird, but I’ve been staring at him for days because he reminds me God is real, that He loves me and He’s still HERE for me. And here, in staring and thoughts frozen, I’ve found solace in repeating this:
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thess 5:16-18)
Parents have many things we ponder because we realize that WE affect our arrows. The strength and wisdom we have is what can aim our children in the right or wrong direction towards God. WE affect our arrows, period. What we have to be careful of is to not become self-sufficient, immobile, scared, and basically take things into our own hands, hearts and minds in trying to figure life out ourselves. Yes, we are the “parents”, but God is our SOVEREIGN Lord and knows everything better than we do. So instead of worrying, or thinking, or building up a pile of things that need to be done or figured out… maybe we should just be grateful for them and pray about them unceasingly in the midst because, as believers, “we know all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
So despite the rate at which our thoughts move, choose to find rest in the consistent pace of God and walk with Him there. Focus on HIM. He knows where we are, where we’re going, what’s on our minds, and how it will all turn out in the end… to give Him glory. As frustrating and confusing as that may feel in the midst of just LIFE, God is where our heart & life will be most satisfied and content.
Here are some verses that have helped and do presently help me, so I encourage you to memorize them or stick them on your walls and/or mirrors:
“For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:5-6
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:6-8